


An episode of sparrows (or: We have to find the Spencer Duck!)

by liketheroad



Category: Bandom
Genre: Animal Transformation, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-10-14
Updated: 2008-10-14
Packaged: 2018-02-21 05:09:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2455949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liketheroad/pseuds/liketheroad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wherein it is suggested that panic didn't manage to write an album up in the cabin because they were a little distracted by their drummer turning into a duck</p>
            </blockquote>





	An episode of sparrows (or: We have to find the Spencer Duck!)

**Author's Note:**

> Written a million years ago for Rachel. <3

They’ve been up in the cabin for a week and a half when Spencer disappears. Jon maintains that ‘disappear’ is too strong a word to use for ‘went for a walk two hours ago’ but Ryan is having none of it. Spencer doesn’t like him to talk about it, because he claims it disrupts his image as a Take Charge Man’s Man (which, please) but Spencer actually has a terrible sense of direction and is forever getting lost. It was Ryan’s fundamental objection to coming up here in the first place, but apparently no one listens to him anymore, because here they are.

 

“And now Spencer is lost – just like I said he would be.”

 

Jon looks at him seriously, “Ryan. You never once predicted Spencer would get lost in the woods.” He’s using his Reasonable Jon  
Walker is Here to Help voice.

 

Ryan re-crosses his arms and glares, “Well, I was thinking it.”

 

Brendon issues a “Ha!” from the next room. Ryan assumes it’s unrelated. He glares at Jon some more. It doesn’t make him feel as much better as he’d hoped. Finally he gives up entirely, relaxing his shoulders, sighing.

 

“I really do think he might be lost.” He murmurs, letting his worry rise above his natural inclination for snarkiness.

 

Jon smiles. It’s his _I’m moving in for a hug_ smile. He’d gotten into the habit of prefacing his hugs with one of these before trying to hug Ryan after he learned the hard way that sometimes Ryan got pretty militant about defending his personal space. Ryan was pretty much over that in regards to Jon, but he still liked seeing that smile beforehand. He privately thought of it as his.

 

He answers back with a half step, enough to let Jon know he’s cleared, and Jon pulls him into a relaxed hug. Not tight and crushing the way it would be if Jon thought there was really something to be worried about. Ryan feels himself relax further, and he lays his head on Jon’s shoulder.

 

He’s about to pull away with muttered thanks, when suddenly Jon’s arms tighten around him.

 

“Jon. What.” he asks, not pulling away.

 

Jon is looking past Ryan over his shoulder, and his voice comes out strange, like nothing Ryan’s ever heard. “I don’t…”

 

“Is it Spence?” Bracing himself.

 

Jon lets him go, slowly, shaking his head. “No it’s… there’s a duck pecking at the window.”

 

No part of that explains why Jon sounds so spooked, so Ryan turns sharply to look. He’s got the words, “what does that have to do with anything,” half formed on his tongue when he takes in what he’s seeing.

 

He has never seen a duck look so fucking… pissed in his entire life.

 

“Oh jesus,” he hisses, feeling like his head is going to explode.

 

Jon’s hand closes over his shoulder. “Do you really think that’s –“

 

Brendon has suddenly appeared, staring out the window with them. He claps his hands together and shouts, gleefully, “Spencer!”

 

Brendon’s exclamation propels them into action and Ryan scrambles to open the window and retrieve the Spencer Duck. Any lingering doubt or parts of him that were trying to cling to sanity are dismissed when all the duck does is waddle in and ruffle its feathers huffily before settling down to glare at all of them.

 

Ryan extends a tentative hand towards the duck and says, “Spencer?”

 

The duck quacks loudly. Ryan looks at Brendon and Jon. “Do you think that’s a yes?”

 

The duck quacks rapidly, impatient almost, like he’s annoyed this is taking so long.

 

Brendon laughs. “That’s a yes.”

 

Ryan is momentarily distracted by the sudden desire to punch Brendon for laughing at a time like this, and as a result, he misses the fact that the Spencer duck is heading straight for Brendon with a murderous look in his eye. He doesn’t notice it’s even happening until suddenly Jon is saying “Whoa dude,” and pulling Brendon a safe distance away from the counter.

 

Jon’s strategy has the fatal flaw of neglecting to take into account that Spencer is a duck now, and can therefore continue his pursuit by air. He manages three awkward flaps in Brendon’s direction before Ryan grabs him out of the air. He’s never held a duck before, and Spencer is clearly still adjusting to the whole thing, so it doesn’t really work at first. Ryan almost drops him, but then Spencer issues a distressed quack and Ryan relaxes. It’s the right thing to do, Spencer settles under his arms, and eventually tucks himself securely against Ryan’s chest.

 

From his hiding spot behind Jon Brendon coos at them and announces, “I’m going to buy him a bonnet!”

 

The string of quacks that follows is so focused and outraged that Ryan is certain Spencer is saying terrible things about Brendon’s mother. He laughs softly and then tries out scratching the top of Spencer’s head. Spencer quiets and then stills. His eyes narrow suspiciously for a moment, and then he just gives in to it.

 

Jon grins and gives Ryan a thumbs up. “Ryan Ross – duck whisperer.”

 

They gather in the living room to have a band meeting about the situation, because Spencer loves band meetings. They make him feel organized. Occasionally he even has flow charts prepared that he passes out beforehand. Ryan is reasonably sure Spencer doesn’t have a 5-point action plan for band members spontaneously turning into waterfowl but he still thinks he can feel Spencer’s little body sit more confidently on his lap once they’re all gathered together on the couch. Brendon (who is band secretary) has a little notepad and a pencil, so he can pretend to take minutes.

 

“Let’s be… sensible about this,” Ryan beings. “We need to know how this happened and how to change him back.” He arches an eyebrow to signal this topic is now open for discussion.

 

“Should we try asking him?” Jon wonders.

 

Spencer squawks indignantly. Ryan pats him reassuringly. “Don’t talk about him like he’s not here.” He orders loftily.

 

Jon hides a smile in a contrite nod. Brendon leans closer, “Spence, do you know how this happened?”

 

Spencer quacks a few times and then shakes his head. It’s a little…

 

“Surreal.” Jon mutters.

 

No one disagrees.

 

“Did it hurt?” Ryan asks, softly, suddenly realizing, hey, maybe that sort of thing hurt like a bitch.

 

Spencer shakes his head again and gives Ryan a light peck on his hand. Ryan scratches under Spencer’s beak.

 

Jon coughs. “Guys.”

 

Ryan looks up, startled. Spencer quacks.

 

Brendon sighs. “Is no one seriously going to let me put on a bonnet on that little guy?”

 

The band meeting pretty much degenerates from there. Brendon moves from the talk of a bonnet to a little collar with a bell (so he’ll know when Spencer is moving in for a sneak attack) and Jon and Ryan’s energies are divided between trying to shut Brendon up and stopping Spencer from pecking him to death. Finally they close the meeting with the not so brilliant “wait and see if he just turns back on his own” strategy as their working plan.

 

Jon takes Brendon out of the line of fire to go for a “talk” on the roof. This obviously means they’re going to get high without them, but at the moment, Ryan could give a fuck. He has a seriously stressed out duck to deal with; an overexcited Brendon Urie, on top of that, is the last thing he needs.

 

Once they’re alone, Spencer goes almost limp in Ryan’s lap, and he puts his hands gently on Spencer’s back. “It’ll be alright Spence. We’ll figure it out.”

 

Spencer quacks, low and mournful. Ryan holds him a little tighter.

 

They end up putting on one of Jon’s disks of the O.C and having an animated discussion consisting of Ryan’s sarcastic comments and Spencer’s appreciative quacks. At one point, when Marissa suddenly appears on screen, Spencer’s quack is so clearly mocking that Ryan laughs out loud.

 

“Look at her shoes though,” he points out fairly.

 

Spencer quacks mildly in concession.

 

Over the next few days, they adjust to the new feathered version of Spencer as best they can. They hadn’t really been working very seriously on songs anyway, directionless and unmotivated as they were about the new album. They’d basically been spending their time getting high, watching movies, jamming half heartedly and playing video games, all things that lent themselves relatively well to Spencer’s condition. They can work, so to speak, around him, at least.

 

He does test out his new body somewhat, taking a few experimental flights around the living room and paddling around happily in the bathtub for several hours a day. For the most part though, he sticks by Ryan’s side, perched on Ryan’s lap whenever he’s sitting down, and seems to prefer being carried around, tucked under Ryan’s arm, to waddling or flying

 

Brendon isn’t allowed to try and hold Spencer anymore because he’s started carrying around a bonnet in his back pocket, and Spencer totally knows it, too. Jon isn’t really allowed either because he tends to forget about Spencer and leave him places, which just means Ryan has to go find him by listening for his disgruntled quacks.

 

Jon always just blinks and says, “Shit, sorry dude.” And Ryan has to remind himself that Jon isn’t mean, just stoned.

 

Which, considering the circumstances, is a pretty valid lifestyle choice. Who isn’t stoned these days. And it’s not like Spencer can’t get around on his own. He just prefers to be carried. Ryan pretty much feels like Spencer’s entitled, at this point.

 

So when Jon forgets him on the kitchen table, or outside on the porch, Ryan just rolls his eyes affectionately and carries him back.

 

When Brendon tries again, unsuccessfully, to put the bonnet he apparently drove into town to buy on Spencer and Ryan finds him standing on the kitchen table shouting “duck attack!’ on a loop while Spencer flaps furiously and pecks at his ankles, Ryan just clears his throat and says Spencer’s name, and them collects him calmly.

 

When Jon suggests they see if ducks can get high and Spencer lacks the good sense to fly his way out of the room, Ryan picks him up and carries him to safety and sobriety.

 

At night, when Jon and Brendon are sleeping or fucking or playing Mario Cart until the wee hours, Ryan tucks Spencer into a nest of blankets beside him and sleeps, restless and watchful, waking at the slightest sound.

 

A week passes, then another. Ryan has lyrics for a sort of fairy tale, a fairy tale for adults, he tries to explain to the guys. Him and Brendon have begun trying to put some of them to piano, but they’re not trying very hard, and it’s not coming out right. Ryan is used to having Spencer’s steady count in his ear, used to him barking suggestions and backing him up, balancing out Brendon’s stubbornness and Jon’s perpetual mellow. He knows he still has Spencer, that he’s there with them, perched on the piano or sometimes even behind his drum kit, watching, listening. But of course it’s not the same. Ryan’s coming to realize he can’t do it, can’t write music without Spencer with him, and maybe he never could. It occurs to him he’s never really tried before now.

 

Over those two weeks he begins to understand, to comprehend in a wholly new way, that there isn’t really anything in his life, that’s important, that matters, that he can do without Spence there to steady him. To believe in him.

He makes the gamble of letting Brendon watch Spencer, after promising in front of all three of them that he would behave, so Ryan can talk with Jon. Ever since Jon got Brendon to stop having random and ill advised hook ups with anyone who would have him simply by stretching his arms out to Brendon and saying, “try this instead,” Jon has basically been Ryan’s romantic hero.

 

“I think I might be a little in love with Spence.” He admits outright, staring at his knees.

 

Jon chuckles. “Yeah.”

 

Ryan’s eyes fly up to look at him. “You knew?”

 

Jon shrugs. “Well, yeah,” he looks at Ryan speculatively. “Wait. You didn’t?”

 

Ryan shakes his head miserably. “He’s Spencer.”

 

Jon nods. “Exactly. You’re Ryan and he’s Spencer. You guys have been together your whole lives, you’re going to be snobby old ladies together playing bridge and being mean to everyone you know.” He shakes his head. “I mean, I thought everyone knew this. I thought it was like, the Plan.”

 

Ryan shrugs awkwardly. It pretty much was. “I just didn’t think… I mean, I didn’t put it together.”

 

Jon laughs in fond exasperation. “Ryan, Jesus. You don’t plan to spend your whole life with someone if you don’t love them."

 

That wasn’t the point, though. Ryan had always known that part. “No, I know. But there are – there are lots of ways to love and I just never thought – I didn’t know this was one of the ways I loved him, that’s all.”

 

Jon shakes his head and pats Ryan’s knee. “Ryan – it's Spencer. Can you think of a way you don’t?”

 

Ryan assumes the whole ‘realizing he’s in love with his best friend, and probably always has been’ thing would be a lot more awkward if Spencer wasn’t, well, a duck. It’s hard to feel guilty about cuddling him close and stroking his feathers, tucking a pair of fingers under Spencer’s wing when they were falling asleep. It was natural, it was comfort. What’s more, it was what Spencer needed, what calmed him down when being a duck got too fucking weird to handle, like it had to, sometimes. Or when Brendon pisses him off and he needed to be prevented from causing bodily harm.

 

He needed it, and Ryan wasn’t about to take it away from him just because he suddenly realized he wanted to jump Boy Spencer’s bones. It was hardly Spencer’s fault, unless he could held responsible for being goofy, mean, brilliant and steady since the day they met. Ryan didn’t think he or Spencer could be blamed for the way Spencer had cleared a playground of bullies who were picking on Ryan in the first grade with nothing but a few choice insults and a really convincing bitch face. Ryan needed and Spencer provided, it was just who they were. Had been so long they didn’t know what else, who else to be. But now Spencer needed him, and he wasn’t about to deny him just because of shame others might think he should feel over his own selfish desires.

 

On the 16th day Spencer spends as a duck, Ryan calls another band meeting.

 

“Pete’s been calling, asking about songs. I told him we had some ideas, had written some parts – but he wants to come out to hear what we’ve got.”

 

Jon’s eyes widen. “He wants to come here?”

 

Ryan nods. “Yeah. And he’s sort of our boss. I mean, he may have phrased it No more excluding me from the porno cabin, but I still think he expected to be taken seriously.”

 

Spencer quacks indignantly at this, and Ryan gives him a mollifying pat on the head. Spencer has always been protective of Ryan when it comes to Pete. “I managed to stall him for another week, but…”

 

They were no closer to figuring out what was going on or how to fix it. Brendon, who had clearly watched too many Disney movies in his childhood, was convinced Spencer would turn back if he was kissed by his true love (“or maybe a Princess. Do we know any royalty?”) and Jon had agreed, because he was an asshole. This was Ryan’s official stance on the matter, Brendon was crazy and Jon was an asshole, and had been since he had waited for Spencer to fall asleep before he surreptiously kissed him on the tip of his beak and he’d remained stubbornly a duck. Either Brendon’s Disney Magic was broken, or Ryan wasn’t Spencer’s true love, and whichever one it was, Ryan was having none of it. They needed something that would actually turn Spencer back. That Ryan would believe in.

 

Like all their band meetings seemed to, these days, this one ends when Brendon and Spencer get into a fight that involves angry quacking and Brendon making hurt faces at Jon. When not engaging in bouts of ill advised bonnet related enthusiasm, Brendon is really taking to this whole Spencer as a duck situation worse than any of them. He and Spencer have a very strong but particular kind of friendship, and apparently it's one that doesn’t translate well to duck/boy relations.

 

As is their way, Jon tends to Brendon, cuddling him up and herding him away, leaving Ryan to handle Spencer. Ryan talks to him soothingly, reminding him that Brendon has always been kind of an obnoxious idiot, especially when he’s worried or scared. Spencer gives him a look Ryan can read as clearly as he could ever read Spencer’s own face, years of friendship and living in each other’s pockets filling in the blanks even now. Ryan laughs.

 

“I know. Who would have thought it would take you turning into a duck for me to pay attention to the emotional needs of those around me.”

 

Spencer ruffles his wings slightly, and gives him a haughty look. Ryan sighs. “You’ve made your point, alright? He’s not even trying to put the bonnet on you anymore. And even before, when he was, that was just, he was just trying to figure out a way to hang out with you.” He shakes his head. “He misses you,” shrugs, “We all do.” He hadn’t realized, until he says it, how deeply this is true. “I miss you, Spencer. I can’t…"

 

Spencer pecks at Ryan’s knee and looks at him reproachfully. Ryan smiles sadly. “I guess you miss you too.”

 

The next morning, Ryan wakes up and Spencer is gone. He swears loud enough to wake up Brendon and Jon in the next room, and they arrive a moment later.

 

“What Ryan?” Jon demands, worried.

 

“Spencer is gone.”

 

They spend the next two hours in a frantic search, yelling until their voices are hoarse and their calls have gone from shouting his name to issuing death threats failing his immediate return. Finally they give up and slump down in a weary huddle on the deck. Brendon and Jon angle protectively around Ryan while he clenches and unclenches his fists.

 

“He wouldn’t just leave, or fly off. He fucking hates flying, I know it.” It was too much of a reminder of what he was, and all he wasn’t anymore.

 

Brendon squeezes his knee and Jon tightens his arm around Ryan’s shoulders.

 

“Maybe he went back,” Brendon says, suddenly.

 

“Went back where?” Jon asks.

 

“I don’t know – wherever he went, you know, when this all started. After that talk we had yesterday about Pete – maybe he felt like he had to fix it now.”

 

Ryan runs Brendon’s logic through his head. It sounds like Spencer, but… “I don’t think it's cause of Pete.”

 

Brendon’s eyes widen slightly, “What then?”

 

Ryan shrugs. “Just… just us. I think he knows, now, how much we need him… you know, to really be him, again.”

 

Jon’s face flashes understanding and he shakes his head a little, sad.

 

“Wouldn’t he know that already?” Brendon protests, his voice a little faint.

 

Ryan can’t look at either of them. “Maybe not."

 

Eventually they get up from the stairs and head back into the cabin to continue sitting in frightened, listless silence on the couch. Brendon is just beginning to bounce, to literally vibrate with his worry, when the cabin door is pushed open. Their heads jerk up in unison, and they do their double takes as one as well.

 

Ryan makes a noise low and desperate at the back of his throat, and then he’s launching himself off the couch and hurtling towards Spencer. Real and whole.

 

Spencer catches him and lets Ryan lock his arms around him, holding him close. “Missed you, Ry, missed you” he promises, over and over into Ryan’s hair. Ryan wants to cry at the sound of his voice.

 

Ryan is never letting Spencer go, not ever again for the rest of his life, so when Brendon demands that he “quit hogging” Ryan just moves enough so there’s room, and soon they’re all caught in a fierce group hug.

 

Brendon’s curiosity eventually overpowers his love for cuddling, and he breaks away, rocking on his heals and peppering Spencer with questions.

 

“How’d you change back, what did you have to do? Was it a spiritual quest Spencer Smith? Did you save any damsels?”

 

Spencer rolls his eyes. “I was a duck, Brendon. I was the one in distress.”

 

Brendon shakes his head, dismissing this. “Ryan is totally a damsel Spencer Smith, are you sure you didn’t go back into the magic duck woods because you knew his shrunken little heart was in distress?”

 

After everything, Ryan can’t really believe it, but he actually blushes. Spencer swats Brendon, still in the habit, apparently, and Jon, miraculous Jon, takes that as his cue to drag Brendon out of the room.

 

Alone together, Ryan stands awkwardly at Spencer’s side, his refusal to let go of Spencer entirely leading him to clench onto a fist of Spencer’s shirt sleeve. “Fucking Brendon,” he mutters.

“Where’d you get clothes, anyway?” He demands, a little petulantly, when Spencer doesn’t respond.

 

“Ryan,” Spencer says; gentle, soft.

 

“What.” Ryan stares at the floor.

 

“I didn’t mean to leave you all alone." 

 

Ryan blurts, “Shut up.” Before he can say something that makes more sense like, “you didn’t.”

 

“Ryan, look at me."

 

He does.

 

“I wasn’t… I went for a walk, just to clear my head. It’d been such a crazy ride, the touring, the success. Everything, so quickly, so huge. And coming here was a good idea, it wasn’t that, either. I was just tired, you know? Of the responsibility, the pressure.” He shrugs. “I found a pond, I made a wish. Just a wish, a whim. For a break, a real one where I couldn’t be in charge, couldn’t push – I never expected, never thought… I mean, who expects something like that to come true? Never mind in fucking… duck form.”

 

Ryan wishes he could say he hadn’t meant it, not that, not an accusation, but he knows it wouldn’t be true. So Spencer would know too. Instead, he says nothing.

 

Spencer reaches out and touches his face. “I tried to change back, it wasn’t anything I wanted Ryan, not that. Not being away from you. Never that.”

 

Ryan hunches his shoulders, looks away. “I know I can be…” Difficult. Hard work. High maintenance. Never anything approaching worth it.

 

“No.” Spencer says, his tone stern. “I chose this life, Ryan. Chose the band, chose you. Because I love it, because it’s worth it. You’re worth it.”

 

Ryan looks at him, finally. “You came back.”

 

Spencer smiles. “I chose that too. I wasn’t going to leave that damn pond until I was me again. I shouted at the heavens for you, Ryan.”

 

“Why?” Ryan says, hoarse and unsure.

 

Spencer keeps their eyes locked as he angles in towards Ryan’s lips, “Because you’re Ryan, and I’m Spencer. And together is what we do best."

 

When Spencer kisses him, putting all his love into the kiss, Ryan believes.


End file.
